Facebook user narrates how he coached his cousin to do illegal business in junior school

 

My little cousin calls himself, wait for it, Dangote. He's seven, head twice the size of mine but that's another story. In fact I notice he only knows how to sing songs where Dangote is mentioned. 

He sings "Dangote, Dangote, Dangote stee dey fine money" thirty-eight times a day.

Everything is cute until I go to pick him up from school one afternoon and I hear his classmates calling him Dangote. I'm shocked for real. Like, boy, what the fuck? He just smiles coyly like those shady billionaires do. At home I ask him why he wants to be Dangote and he says because he wants to marry five wives and have plenty mansions. I tell him ka Dangote doesn't even have up to five wives but he says "OK I want to have more than Dangote." 

I tell his mom and she starts to get worried but I tell her ka she should chill out. Boy's got mad ambitions and the world is for dreamers. From that day I decide that I will groom him to be the billionaire he is. 

I consider cutting him blocs to deal in school but then I don't feel like 7 year old kids will be very keen on buying weed so I ask him what the kids in his class like to eat that the teachers hate seeing them eat. He says milk candy. I ask how much it's sold and he says 20 naira each. I ask if they sell it in the school and he says no that they don't sell sweets in the school. 

So when next he's going to school I buy him 5 and ask him to sell them secretly for 50 naira each. Don't look at me like that, a good uncle supports your dreams and gives you a good ground to start off from. 

Anyway he gets back from school that day and he could only sell two out of five but I tell him that's a good start. I let him keep all the profits aguvi ka you have to encourage the business. 

The next day he sells one and the day after he sells the remaining two. So I buy him more and in two weeks my G becomes the school's chief underground plug. He sells it for the kids and lets them hide in the class store to lick that shit. He asks what if he gets caught but I tell him that  I'm a lawyer. His lawyer. That no shaking. 

In three weeks young Dangote starts to ball. I drive him to school everyday because a man of his status shouldn't share the public bus with peasants, plus his head is as big as half the bus anyway so he wouldn't fit in. I let him sit at the back seat ainki the king that he is. He even cops himself the finest chick in the class, befitting for his status. 

But things get out of hand when all the money start to get to his head. First he no longer lets me keep his gains for him as the account that I am. Then at home he starts to carry shoulders up. Disobeying his parents because he's a baller these days and he's independent and shit. I mean, his networth had hit 980 naira according to Forbes and he was looking to be published in their next 7 Under 7 issue. 

Shit hit the fan when one night his father is watching the news and he casually walks into the living room and takes the remote control and changes the channel to Disney Junior. Daddy looks at him and looks at me ama mo ya look away aguvi ka me too, I couldn't can at that moment. Father asks him if he's crazy and young king says ka "I'm not crazy, I'm just rich."

After two abaras and three konks on the head, he goes back to the room while mouthing about how he deserves more respect aguvi ka he's an independent man now. The next day he gets sent home early with a letter from his teacher that he's got got. A lad was stupid enough to give the teacher's kid out of the milk candy he bought and the teacher's kid told his mother. 

At home young Dangote starts to snitch that I was the one who started selling products to him. 

Me? Me?? I've never met this boy in my life. 

Anyway these days he comes back home looking gloomy as shit. He says his girl has left him. I put my hands around him but I tell him that's how life is, bro. That's how eeriz.

Victor Daniel .

They say everyone has that one post that changed their lives. This was mine.